I find I cannot write anything (or think much, for that matter) when I am depressed or even merely upset. Generally, I need to be in a happy place in my head to put words to thoughts. Here I am experiencing a very strange emotion… there is a first time for everything and this is new to me. I am absolutely happy about where I am in life right now and this happiness is perfectly balanced by a heart-wrenching sorrow for what I have left behind and by a painful fear for what the future holds.
I can’t really catch the pulse of this emotion…
Right now, my life is lovely… my life is miserable too… I feel on top of the world and I am stumbling blindly in a dark labyrinth. The smile never leaves my face these days and yet the corners of my eyes are wet with tears. I am terrified of the light and I love the darkness. As weird as it may sound, I am not confused. Sometimes, the truth feels so beautiful and sometimes, I feel I am living a lie.
What I want right now is to be in a special realm…where none of these thoughts would touch me… A realm in which I float free of all ties… new or severed. I don’t want Utopia… my thoughts are not all pleasant. They aren’t dark and forbidding… but they are brooding. They aren’t all pessimistic, there is still some cheer in them. I am in the maelstrom of seasons… winter & spring colliding… the summer out of my reach!
© Surya Murali
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