Step 1: Acceptance

It has been a while that I’ve updated this blog. And now I am thinking of using this as a journal entry, a sort of therapy perhaps for my chronic depression.

The last few years have been bad. They have leached out my spirit and left a shell that seems impossible to fill again. Probably, what I need is a shrink… but I know I would be less than truthful to one when they want me to open up. The wall around me is high and the doors open for no one, or maybe just one (and I am grateful for that.)

A couple of failed relationships, some dissatisfying jobs, an expanding waist-line and a shrinking financial bottom-line has made me bitter about myself. My confidence has dug itself a grave and refuses to get out of it. A few years back, I believed and behaved like I could make the world dance to my tunes… and I did. I was happy, I was more or less contented, I liked what I saw in the mirror and finances did not really matter much. I had my way always. Now, that girl is missing and perhaps, even dead. Here I am instead, an inadequate lump of a person who no longer has the will to live. When you have money, you might be able to survive without love… but when you have neither, you are left on a parched desert with both your legs cut off .

Speaking of deserts… my recent return to Kuwait has been a positive step in my life after a really long time. At least, Kuwait has pulled out of me my constant wish to end everything and my life. Before Kuwait, the only thing that put a leash on my suicidal thoughts was a lack of physical courage.

But, I am a still on a sinking ship, being sucked into a whirlpool. And there is just one life-jacket out there which floats away every time I try to grab it.

3 thoughts on “Step 1: Acceptance

  1. Thanks… but someone once told me that the world may be on the brink of an apocalypse but if at that moment what I am missing is my pack of cigarettes, then nothing else matters but my need for that pack.

    One must move on… yes… sound and practical advice. Unfortunately, not as easy to implement in emotional matters… at least, not without being completely shattered. Perhaps, the pieces can be picked up again or maybe, all that can be done is sweep them away and forget its existence… the future is unpredictable.

    Now, what I don’t like about Kuwait is that I cannot get stoned/drunk and never have to be in my senses. That would have helped when the whirlpool finally gets me. 🙂

    • “Thanks… but someone once told me … ” – The ‘someone’ has put it rather eloquently. And that’s precisely my point. Getting a pack of smokes is still in my control. The world ending … isn’t. So why waste my time worrying about it. I will definitely do my bit (and pray that the apocalypse comes sooner than later), but I will make more efforts in getting that pack of smokes.

      Chill.

  2. Good to know that you are working on sorting things out, and things are looking up for you. Wishing you all the very best.

    Gham e hasti ka Assad kiss se ho juzmarg ilaaj, Shamma har rang mein jalti hai saher hone tak.

    Shit happens. Yes, it does happen and it isn’t fair, but one must move on. Hota hai, chalta hai… duniya hai. Chill. Do the best you can, and don’t stress about things that are beyond your control.

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